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Older child adoption is a complex melding of joys and challenges. In fact, the issues surrounding older child adoption might be called “the ugly, the bad, and the good.” Every parent considering older child adoption needs to read, talk with other parents, and read some more. And, one of the most important pre-adoption projects is to convince yourself that, “Yes, it WILL happen to me.”
Some older adopted children slide into their new lives with little difficulty. These children joyously participate in their new family’s activities. They quickly learn the rules. They bond strongly, showing positive interactions with other family members. However, many older, special needs children, due to a combination of biological, emotional, and neurological issues, present challenges to their parents. When things get tough, a prayer on my Rosaries brings me peace.
Older child adoptive parents should prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. Every prospective older child adoptive parent must acknowledge that they may be challenged in ways they cannot fully anticipate. They will deal with grief and loss in children. They will learn about the impact of trauma on children in their early years, about attachment and bonding, and possibly a new language if it’s an international adoption. The challenges may seem overwhelming at times, however, the rewards will be great!
The ugly…
Sadly, there can be an ugly side of older child adoption. It may come in the form of verbal attacks. Things like, “Mail order kid…ha, ha, ha!” “Adopting?! THAT will never work!” “You’re making a BIG mistake” “A black child…?!” “A kid from China?!” Or, the ugly side may come in the form of loss of friends. Some friends may slide out of your life. A few family members may not accept your child as equal. Or, the ugly may come from lack of support during tough times. People may say things like, “I told you so.” “I’m too busy.” Or, “I thought you WANTED this kid…?!”
And, the ugliest…disruption. Parents of older child adoption may, in extreme cases, feel that they simply cannot parent their child. There are some children who may be so damaged from the early trauma of their lives, possibly mixed with biological disorders, that make it impossible for them to learn to live in a family. Some disruptions, sadly, come about because the parents were not fully-prepared for older child adoption.
Every family will not deal with the ugly side of older child adoption. However, most families will deal with one or more of the bad and challenging aspects of older child adoption.
The bad…
The adjustment period - the first one to six months (sometimes longer) - that a child lives with a family, can be very challenging. Most parents enter adoption well-prepared and emotionally ready to love and cherish their children. Children, however, often arrive anxious, confused, and grief-filled. These two polar-opposite emotional states can create stress and chaos. Parents should set the emotional tone of the family by immediately implementing chore routines, establishing family rules, and imposing consequences for misbehaviors. They should maintain structured, simple lives for the first several months their children are home. Also, parents should find ways to help their child deal with their feelings of loss and grief, and, if internationally adopted, they should aid with the transition to English.
Adoptive parents often worry when instant love isn’t there for their new child. They’ve planned, prayed, and prepared, but when the child arrives, that connection isn’t there. Parents need to realize that this is not uncommon. Some biological parents don’t feel instant love either. Realize that you’re not alone in having these feelings. Remind yourself that love is a verb. It’s the things you do everyday to take care of, protect, and nurture your child, that turn into feelings of love. Talk to other parents who have been through this so you don’t feel so alone. Create one-on-one time; often, when you spend more time with your child, you discover wonderful abilities and personality traits that you didn’t previously notice. Parents should also investigate the possibility of post adoption depression which can impact a parent’s ability to bond. For an informative article about this topic, see Post-Adoption Depression.
The most critical topic for adoptive parents to educate themselves about is about attachment. What is attachment between parent and child? How can a parent promote a solid attachment? What do you do if the attachment does not feel secure? Simply described, attachment is the process of creating a reciprocal bond of love and respect between parent and child. It is formed through actions and activities that encourage laughter, play, eye contact, and cuddling. Think of it as re-creating parts of your child’s babyhood and toddler years through motion, rocking, and touch. All older adopted children suffer from at least attachment issues, and many suffer from the more severed issues of reactive attachment disorder (RAD). There are books about attachment and RAD at Older Child Adoption Bookstore and ATTACh. Parents should educate themselves about attachment before their child gets home and they should re-visit the topic after their child has been home for a while.
If the attachment between parent and child doesn’t feel strong after a period of time, parents may need to implement additional attachment interventions, or they may need to investigate the possibility of RAD. Children with RAD can heal, but time is not on your side. For a child to heal from RAD, it requires specialized attachment therapy, therapeutic parenting, therapeutic respite, and for some children, a short-term regimen of medication.
Some older child adoptive parents may deal with developmental delays and challenges. Children may act younger than their chronological age. And, they may not be consistent i.e. they may speak at age level, be two years behind socially, and be physically three years behind. For children coming from orphanages, the rule of thumb is one month of delay for each three months spent in the orphanage. Parents will need to work on these developmental gaps with at-home activities, or possibly with the help of physical, occupational, or other therapists and specialists.
Too few adoptive parents know about the impact of trauma on children. Most older adopted children come from backgrounds of trauma: physical abuse, sexual abuse, loss of birth parents, multiple moves, long-term neglect. Trauma affects learning, attachment, cause and effect, development, and more. Much study is currently being done on how to re-wire the brain to overcome the impact of trauma. Dr. Bruce Perry’s website is an excellent starting point for all parents to learn about trauma in children. According to Dr. Perry, there are several things that parents can do to help a traumatized child:
Talk about traumatic events
Provide consistent routines
Discuss rules and expectations
Protect the child from uncomfortable events
Give children some choices so they have a sense of control
All parents are faced with behavioral issues and discipline decisions. Older adopted children, however, have been known to test the parenting skills of the most sainted parents. Children from challenging backgrounds - like nearly all older adopted children - need to test you and your ability to keep them safe, as well as your commitment to them as forever parents. Rather than discipline i.e. punishment, most parenting experts now recommend consequences. The book, Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, presents the most comprehensive approach to this type of parenting. Examples of consequences might be: If you play in your room instead of going to sleep, you’re tired the next day. If you break the dish, you do extra chores to pay for the repair. Since you were mean to your sister, you can do 20 jumping jacks to help you remember our family rule about no hitting.
In spite of the myriad of challenges that older child adoptive families might face, parents need to maintain a positive attitude within the home. Have fun! Whether it’s during the challenging adjustment period, or during short-term tough times, parents need to have fun with their children. Create rituals such as weekly videos and annual holiday activities. Find times to bike ride together, create family skits, and play board games. And whenever you can, dance together, sing together, and eat ice cream for dinner and pasta for dessert.
Over time, parents of older adopted children may need to adjust their goals and expectations for their children. Parents have pictures in their minds about their interactions with their children and about their children’s future. Those pictures may not match who their children are. They need to parent their children according to who they are, not who they imagine them to be. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad fit, just that it’s different a different vision of your family than you originally anticipated.
Whether older child adoptive families face minimal or heroic challenges, they require a variety of resources and support to create strong, healthy families. Unfortunately, there is often a gap between what’s needed and what’s available. Older child adoptive parents need:
Access to mental health professionals who know about attachment
Professionals and educators that understand the impact of trauma and neglect on children
Respite: regular and therapeutic
Parent training classes for challenging or even abusive children
Support: family, friends, support groups, faith groups
Parents may need to do in-depth detective work to find the services they need in their community or region. In some cases, they must be prepared to travel long distances to find the services they require. For support, parents may need to turn to on-line support, or even to create their own support groups.
And the good…!
In the end, older child adoptive families enrich the lives of parents and provide a safe haven for children to reach their fullest potential. The road along the way, unfortunately, may include the ugly and the bad aspects of older child adoption. Parents may be challenged beyond their comprehension. They may be forced to educate themselves about things they never intended to learn about. They may lose support of friends and family members. But, as one older child adoptive parent says, “We’ve all become such interesting people!”
The ugly and the bad of older child adoption are thankfully interwoven with a multitude of good and joyful aspects. Depending on their ages, older adopted children arrive in their forever families able to play games, roller-blade, and throw a football. And, unlike children adopted as babies or toddlers, older children provide their parents with a glimpse into their past lives: their memories, important people, and in the cases of international adoption, their culture.
Older child adoptive parents create a plethora of experiences, warm, joyful days to be remembered, even if there have been difficult times as a family. One older child adoptive parent wrote in her journal:
“Today was Beth’s birthday - a different child from last year. She chose, instead of a party, that she and I go to a historic village about two hours away. A delightful day! We also baked her cake together, much to her delight. After she had opened her cards and presents she said, “Those words on the cards, they were all so nice. Like when Grandma said she was glad I was part of the family, I liked that. I felt it in my heart. Last year, when I had RAD, they were just words…” And, she gave me a card, thanking me for helping her through all of her troubles.”
Educate yourself. Be committed. Maintain hope. With these, parents will successfully face down the ugly and the bad aspects of older child adoption, fully appreciate the good, and love their older adopted child with all of their heart.