Older Child Adoption

By Rhonda Jerema
Director of Family Support Services
Nightlight Christian Adoptions

There are many advantages to adopting a teenager; they can join in your activities right away, they don’t need daycare and they aren’t embarrassed to be seen with you.

I remember strolling in downtown LA with my newly adopted 16-year-old daughter. She held my hand and was singing Russian songs softly as we walked down the street. She worked hard in school because she remembered her options back in Russia and was able to calm her younger sisters when nothing else would work but a song or story told in softly-spoken Russian.

Adopting a teenager is not for the faint of heart, as it definitely has its challenges. Certainly in the first few months, as the teen is mourning the loss of friends and freedoms left behind, accepting curfews and restrictions for safety just aren’t understood. As a parent I learned the best response, borrowed from Cline & Faye’s wonderful book, Parenting With Love & Logic, was, “Thanks for sharing, I always wondered how teenagers felt about that.” It worked far better than the, “WHAT, are you NUTS? response that I used in the beginning.

Taking our teenager to the “Russian area” of town, cooking Russian foods and finding Russian music, videos and books also played a part in helping her to adjust to our far different environment. She was exposed to the “typical American teenager” at school, but desperately missed everything that was familiar to her. She truly felt like she’d landed on Mars.

We offered love, support and encouragement. Our daughter graduated high school with honors, received a special award for the highest score in American Government and is now a senior at Berkeley. She no longer will hold my hand or even acknowledge my presence. But those first few years were very special and I would not change them for anything. Someday she may come back to the family fold. For now, she is exploring the world!

Tips for adopting and parenting a teenager

1. Learn as much of your child’s language as possible. At least be able to communicate the basics to show your interest in their world. Do not push learning English. Most “older” children will pick up a basic understanding and ability to communicate fairly well by 3 months. This will happen with or without pushing. Why make yourself crazy? You might want to find a native speaker to help with tutoring and translating. It is comforting just to have someone to talk to in your native language.

2. Encourage teachers to allow the child to do some of their work in their native language i.e. journals and letter writing. You can still tell whether the form is correct and the work being done even if you aren’t able to read it. Also try and obtain as much of the reading material they will be covering the first year of school in their native language. For example, the Russian version of “Romeo and Juliet.” Also, schools require additional reading. You can purchase Agatha Christie novels etc. in other languages which would be very helpful for your child. Purchasing these materials while in country will save you a lot of money. It is far more expensive to purchase these items in the States.

3. Learn as much about their heritage as possible. Your teen will be very nationalistic about their country of origin. Listen and nod your head. It is not an argument about which country is better, it is a child missing familiar friends, smells, foods, sights. Try and cook some familiar foods and bring the teens heritage into your home. This shows acceptance of who they are and where they came from.

4. You will experience your child at every age you missed. There will be times your teenager acts more like a two year old. Roll with it and let your teen be a baby with you. It frees up a lot of emotions and helps build the bond between you.

5. A teen still needs to be taught your family rules and expectations. Even though they are older, they do not know what is expected in your family.

6. They are experiencing grief and feelings of loss in coming to a new country and family. Provide comfort and allow them to grieve. Do not be afraid to hold and rock your child as you would a small baby.

7. Place photos of their orphanage “family” up with family photographs. Provide the opportunity for the teenager to call friends already adopted and those back in their orphanage.