Older Child Adoption

As parents-to-be of adopted children, we are confronted with a long and often frequently-repeated list of questions. Most of them begin with, “Have you thought about…” or, “I’ve heard…” or, “Are you really sure…” Many of these are perpetuated by people unfamiliar with adoption.

Older child adoption, like any major change in life, involves change and risk. Don’t ignore the risk factors, but don’t be trapped by these myths. Do your research, talk to knowledgeable people, say your prayers, and then take the proverbial leap of faith.

Myth #1
You’ll never love an adopted child like your own.

In fact, love is not based on biology. Love comes from acting like a parent, from taking care of your child, from loving your child, and from making a commitment to your child.

Myth #2
With adopted children, you can never be sure how they’ll turn out.

In fact, the same can be said of biological children. We all grow up as a composite of nature and nurture; that’s the same whether we were adopted or a biological child.

Myth #3
Unless you adopt a newborn, you’ll end up with all kinds of problems.

In fact, there are certain things that you cannot know about a newborn that you can identify in an older child. Things like interests, language ability, social skills, and more. And certain disorders, like Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, cannot be diagnosed until a child is several years old. Like most things in life, there are advantages and disadvantages to adopting children at different ages.

Myth #4
Those kids from Russia (China, Vietnam, Ukraine, etc.) all come to America with all kinds of problems.

Yes, some do. Just like with biological children, a certain percentage are born with biological or neurological differences. Additionally, it is true that children are affected by the institution or setting within which they are raised. Children from orphanages, for example, can have sensory integration disorder from lack of stimulation. Or, they might have attachment issues from lack of proper caregiving. Research can help educate you about these possibilities and how to deal with them as a parent.

Myth #5
All those kids in foster care have all kinds of problems.

Yes, some do. Just like institutionalized children, children from the American foster care system can be born with or acquire certain issues that parents need to be educated about. It’s not true, however, that ALL children from foster care have major “problems.”

Myth #6
Your child will never consider you their real parent.

It’s true that adopted children’s lives are somewhat complicated. However, most children who were adopted realize that they have two sets of parents. Their “real” parents are the ones who raised and cared for them. Their other, or biological parents, gave them birth.

As you travel your adoptive parenting journey, you will, like all parents, be confronted by uneducated, uncaring people who will challenge and confront your way of creating a family. You will also meet interested, knowledgeable, and loving people who will affirm your choice to become parent through adoption.