Older Child Adoption

When we adopt children, no matter what their age, they arrive with a previous life of experiences. That “life” may be in-utero, if we adopt a newborn, or years long, if we adopt an older child. One of the most important factors in how our children develop, depends on the bonding and attachment they had with their birth mother and family, and the new bonding and attachment that occurs between us and our child.

The more we as adoptive parents know about attachment, the better we can parent our children. Your child may be very securely attached, or she may have some attachment issues, or may be diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Below are excerpts from the experts. Use this information as a starting point, then do your own additional reading and information-gathering to help you create a strong attachment with your child.

Basic attachment
“The primary caregiver–and therefore the mother in most cases–is, of course, especially important. Something fundamental seems to get established in the infant’s relationship with her during the first year or two that often considerable outweighs the contribution of any secondary attachment figure. But the formative power of the second parent–whether he is harsh or accepting, tyrannical or easygoing, highly involved or abdicating, living at home or long gone–is critical, too.”

“When parents are consistent in their patterns of care and pay attention to the particular signals of their baby, they provide a favorable environment for the child to experience the parents (and the world) as reliable and responsive to its individual needs.”

“By repeated assurance that emotional and physical needs will be met, the baby begins to develop a sense of basic trust.”

Identifying attachment issues
“General Symptom Patterns of Poorly Attached Children (Partial list)
~ Excessive need to control
~ Oppositional-defiant behaviors
~ Intense negative affect…rage, terror, despair
~ Hurting others and self…emotional, physical
~ Poor response to discipline…frustration, responsibility
~ Lies, excuses, blaming
~ Good/bad splitting
~ Sense of entitlement; demanding
~ Victimhood identity
~ Destructive, stealing, hoarding
~ Manipulative affect and behavior
~ Dissociation and/or hypervigilance
~ Lack of eye contact
~ Lack of guilt/remorse
~ Lack of cause/effect thinking
~ Lack of appropriate physical boundaries”

Attachment issues, treatment and parenting
“Although all parenting is a challenging (and rewarding) task, parenting the child with attachment disorder is especially arduous. These children are commonly mistrustful, angry, irresponsible, defensive, dishonest, destructive, and do not give or accept affection and love. Parenting requires the firmness to set limits, the maturity to remain calm and centered, and the flexibility to meet the child’s unique needs.”

Parents have often been blamed by mental health and social service professionals who lack an understanding of attachment disorder. Helping professionals may assume that the child’s acting out is entirely a result of ineffective parenting, without identifying the child’s prior attachment difficulties. Symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder are routinely observed in the parents, the siblings, as well as the child with attachment disorder.”

“One of the worst forms of therapy for Attachment Disorder, ADHD or Tourette Syndrome children is time. Waiting for them to outgrow the behaviors DOES NOT WORK. These conditions, left uncontrolled, can destroy a child or turn them into a killer, a rapist, a child abuser or a suicide statistic. Each passing year wears the parents down more and the child becomes sicker, more destructive, and BIGGER! DO NOT WAIT! Get effective help now, and start using these parenting tools right away!”

“POWERFUL PARENTING TECHNIQUES–THE DYNAMIC DOZEN
1. Take care of yourself first
2. Establish respect
3. Create and maintain a heart to heart connection
4. Teach self control
5. Set Limits – Help your child accept limits
6. Supercharge your expectations of responsibility
7. Expect restitution for damages
8. Remove barriers between you and your child
9. Avoid the wrong battles and win the war against rage
10. Teach your child to think for him/herself
11. Guide the processing of feelings
12. Build self esteem”

Attachment and bonding is a complex occurrence. The research into attachment is ongoing. Stay informed about attachment and bonding so you can help raise a secure, well-attached child.