Older Child Adoption

We�ve heard about the increase in bullying. We�ve heard horror stories about being bullied. Mostly, we just hope it won�t be an issue for our kids. However, the very characteristics that may encourage bullies to act, are often the issues our kids deal with. Being different. Low self esteem.. Poor social skills. Limited trust in adults� ability to help.

Our society is slowly realizing that bullying is not acceptable. It�s not merely a version of teasing. Many children who bully often end up as violent, bullying adults.

Older adopted children may stand out as different because they still have an accent from their country of birth. They may look different to the rest of their family. They may be behind academically. They may be slow to adjust to a new home, school, and neighborhood.

Our kids may have low self-esteem caused by negative reinforcement from their early caregivers. They may have poor social skills due to limited experiences or to biological issues such as autism. And, one of the important aspects of dealing with bullies is asking adults for help, and older adopted kids may not feel comfortable asking adults to support them.

While every child is different, there are a few characteristics that will help children not be targets of bullies.

• Confidence in themselves

• Solid social skills

• Aware of unspoken social cues

• Knowledge of conflict resolution

• Can be assertive without being aggressive

• Understanding of differences in people

• Aware of the nuances of different emotions in themselves and others

As parents, we need to help our children acquire these characteristics. This can be done through interactions with socially adept kids, role-playing, story telling, and games. Does your school have a bully prevention program? Can you sign your child up for a social skills class? Are there ways at home you can help build your child�s confidence in themselves? What can be done to help your child learn more about different emotions? Do you read books to your child about friendship, emotions, and dealing with bullies?

At the same time, we as parents need to understand the prevalence of bullying and provide specific tools for our kids to deal with bullies. One parent provided her eight-year-old daughter with a three step plan for dealing with neighborhood bullies. 1) Ignore the words and comments. 2) Speak up and tell them to stop. 3) Ask an adult for help. And, way down on the list, only to be used in extreme situations, was a #4: Defend yourself. This list was accompanied by lots of role playing.

In addition to providing social and related skills to our kids, and giving them tools for dealing with bullies, do not overlook the fact that some kids actually provoke their own victimization. These actions can include teasing bullies, not knowing when to stop, not reading non verbal cues, and not being able to defend themselves verbally when the power shifts to the bully.

Educate yourself about bullies and bullying. Give your children the tools to help them from being bullied, or from becoming bullies.