Older Child Adoption

As an adoptive parent, I read a variety of family and parenting magazines relating to the issues and topics surrounding adoption. One recent publications had a lively discussion on the “Dear Editor” pages regarding positive adoption language. Most letter writers supported the use of words such as “placed for adoption” rather than “given up for adoption.” One writer though suggested that worrying about the language of adoption is “self-indulgent and rude” and that it makes the adoption world sound like “another hypersensitive special-interest group.”

It got me thinking�.

Do words matter? Is it an issue if someone is called a “real parent” instead of a “birth parent?” Do I care if someone introduces my daughter as “My adopted friend, Hannah?” Should I be annoyed if someone asks me if my daughter is my “real” child? Does it bother me if someone assumes certain negative words are applicable to my daughter because she was adopted from a Russian orphanage?

YES!

Language changes as society and culture changes. We no longer refer to blacks as Negroes. We don�t assume that all doctors are “he.”

The culture of adoption is changing. Today, parents can be married, single, young, or old. Children can be adopted as babies, school age, American, or international. Adoption has become one of many ways to create a family (birth, adoption, foster, blended), not a lesser alternative.

The language of adoption is changing to reflect these changes. Over time, I hope that what is now called “positive adoption language” will become everyday language.

I want Hannah to consider her adoption a past event (”was adopted”), not a current event (”is adopted”). I want her to know that she has a birth mother (in Russia) and a mother (me). I want her to know she is my daughter, not my adopted daughter.

I want her family to say, “This is my granddaughter, Hannah,” not, “This is my adopted granddaughter, Hannah.” I want her friends to say, “This is Hannah,” not, “This is my adopted friend, Hannah.”
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Beyond the words that are spoken, I hope the day will come when people, upon hearing the words “adopted from Russia” will not think “slow, sick, emotional problems.” I want them to witness the affectionate, athletic, intuitive, coordinated, humorous, and very, very smart person that my daughter Hannah is.

I want her teachers to say, “Bring a picture of yourself to class,” rather than, “Bring in a picture of you as a baby,” since all children don’t have pictures of themselves as babies. I want her Sunday school teacher to say, “Draw a picture of your family garden,” rather than assuming that every child can easily fit themselves into the shape of a family tree.

I want people to think that parenting a child who was adopted is the same as parenting a biological child�some days are great and some days are challenging!

All in all, I want Hannah to be as loved and revered as any daughter, granddaughter, friend, and student should be. The words that describe her, both spoken and unspoken, should be respectful and positive, just as we would like ourselves to be described.

Yes, words do matter!