Older Child Adoption

~Use your head before you use your heart.

~Read, read, read! Read about adoption options, about parenting, about grief in children, about attachment and bonding. Then read some more.

~The right agency or attorney is often the key to a successful adoption. Do your research.

~Don’t fall in love with a picture or a description of a child until you’ve either met the child, or had the referral evaluated by a doctor, or two, or three.

~Adoption is forever. Just like giving birth, you can’t return your child because you don’t like her or she has a disorder you don’t want to deal with.

~Think long and hard beyond the preparation and meeting phase. How will your day-to-day life be with a child? What about child care? What about when your child is sick?

~Support…do you have a support system in place? People who will help when you’re sick, or when your child is sick. People who will pick your child up from school. People who will be excited about you becoming an adoptive parent.

Advice for parents:
~Don’t forget to take care of you. It’s easy to be so focused and so dedicated that you don’t take time for yourself. Find a babysitter. Send your child to a neighbor’s for a couple hours.

~Realize that the adjustment period for you and your child may take six months or more.

~You’re ready and prepared to become a parent. Your child has most likely been given very little preparation. Help them ease into this new aspect of their life, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

~Find a support group. Depending on your circumstances it might be an adoption support group, an international adoption support group, or a group based on your child’s special needs such as reactive attachment disorder.

~Don’t expect your child to dismiss her past. Help her acknowledge her previous life and grieve her losses.

~When the child you parent flares up at you with issues from the past, remember they are not aimed at you. You are the convenient target, so take a step or even two back, and let it fly by.

~The three rules for good parenting of older adopted kids are: 1) Take care of yourself. 2) Take care of yourself. 3) Take care
of yourself.

~Learn to let go of your dreams of how you wanted your child to be, and learn to appreciate her qualities and gifts as they are.