Older Child Adoption

After choosing an agency and giving them your paperwork and a portion of their fee, you then wait for a referral of a child. Good agencies will refer you a child that is within the parameters you have set. They will also give you some time in which to decide and should not rush you. By the same token, this child is waiting for a “forever” family and a family is possibly waiting for this child, so time is of the essence.

The referral comes by way of a phone call from the agency saying that a photograph and medical summary of the child is on its way to you. They will describe the child over the phone. Sometimes an agency will send a referral to you that is outside your parameters. Give the agency the benefit of the doubt in this regard. Many times a child whose age or gender is different than what you initially requested will captivate you. If the referrals you see are far outside your parameters and you ask the agency to stop sending those kinds of referrals to you, then the agency should honor your request.

Families sometimes turn down referrals. It may be the child has issues that the family does not think it can handle successfully. These issues may be medical for which the family has no insurance coverage or simply the family is not in position to deal with certain issues. Your agency should not try to pressure you. It is your decision and your marriage and your family. Instead, the agency should try to obtain another referral. Quite often what is an overwhelming medical problem to one family is perfectly acceptable to another. Indeed, it is the unknown that causes the most fear.

There have also been cases where a couple arrives in China and is shown a child who has an obvious serious medical problem and the Chinese will then immediately offer a different child. This emotional situation is hard to imagine, yet it has happened.

You really need to look at your family and decide what you can handle. If you are a young couple with no children, then maybe adopting a child under then an older child could work for you. Families wanting an older child who already have a 10-month-old, 3-year-old and a five-year-old need to stop and think some more. Older children take a lot of work initially (new language to learn, educational delays, learning to live in a family, etc.). Dealing with all of this will take a lot of your time and energy away from your other children. You must choose the right child for your family and be realistic about what you want. Your first priority is your existing family and not an image of a child you saw on the Web late one night. There is no shame in admitting that you do not have the resources to deal with a particular issue or that you are not the right family for a specific child. Not every family is right for every child. If because of your personal schedule or personal health issues you will not be able to give the necessary attention to a certain special needs child, admit it without guilt and choose a child that will be a better fit.

Once you are reviewing a referral, you may want to contact those reference families who adopted in the province you are now considering. By checking with those who have adopted from that province, you can gain a precise knowledge of your agency’s program in that area.

You may wonder if you have been given all the information that there is on your child. You just have to do as much research as you can, and then take that leap of faith. But it should be faith based on the knowledge that comes out of doing your homework first.

Information you would like to have with the referral is anything pertaining to maternal history, the child’s birth history (prenatal care if any, birth weight, height, and head circumference, gestational age, Apgar scores), medical examinations, tests, and hospitalizations. Ongoing measurements over time are extremely helpful to assess growth. Current developmental milestones (vocalizing, sitting alone, eating semisolid food, strong eye contact) are also helpful. Sometimes statements are available from the caregivers about the child’s personality, demeanor, and skills. It’s very helpful if the orphanage doctors give an opinion about whether the child has any signs of fetal alcohol syndrome. Descriptions of the child’s verbal abilities and determination of the child’s ability to hear are also extremely valuable.

It is not unusual for parents to turn to their agency and ask, “What should we do?” Be careful if you do this. Look out for responses like, “That’s just something they write to make the kid eligible for adoption; or, “We’ve had lots of kids adopted with that diagnosis. They’re all fine;” or “He just needs good nourishment and love. You’re just what he needs to thrive,” and “Many other people have adopted children in worse shape and they’ve turned around with proper attention and care.” Agencies have even said to parents who were struggling with the decision, “You should decide to adopt the child soon or risk losing him,” and “If I were into gambling, he’s a good one.”

If you want to gamble, you’d go to Vegas. What you want is to make an informed decision knowing that adoption comes with risk. You want advice from professionals like the international adoption doctors and information from your preparation classes and materials. There is always the chance that what you receive from an agency is marketing, not reliable advice. On the other hand, by you asking them that question you have placed them in a difficult position. Do not use the agency as a substitute for your research and preparation. You have to put in the time. There are no short cuts. Remember that the credibility of any information is affected by the motivation of its source.

At some point you will have all the medical information and medical expert reviews you can obtain. There will come a time when you must decide whether to accept this child or not. You will still have doubts. You will not have answers to all of your questions. You will have plenty of facts about this child but not the answer to the ultimate question of “what should I do?” Yet, it is time to either take that “leap of faith” or decide against. Only you can make that decision. Just remember that when a child is born to you it comes with both good and bad. As a parent you just accept them and love them. Make the same conscious choice in your adoption and make the best of this wonderful gift of this child that you will care for and love.

Finally, fight against the natural desire of wanting “the perfect child” or the “Gerber baby.” Parents sometimes forget that life doesn’t give guarantees and the child whose referral they turned down because she was a little short or had an ear infection, might have become a loving child and a concert pianist in contrast to the “perfect” child they adopted that ran off with the rock band. Have realistic expectations. Raising children, whether adopted or biological, is not a fantasy experience. It’s real and it’s a lot of work.