Older Child Adoption

How is the communication between you and your spouse, significant other or yourself? If it is honest and strong, the emotional side of adoption will make it even stronger. If it is not truly honest, the process will bring up differences that can cause your adoption paperwork to pause until the relationship becomes more stable. In a pregnancy, if questions or life events arise in month five, you can’t turn back the clock. However, in a plan for adoption, you learn about issues you may not have considered. Yes, you might even change your mind or change directions; for example, switch from an international to a domestic adoption plan.

An interesting dynamic will also arise at the onset of the decision to adopt. You will immediately feel behind and create pressure on yourself to finish paperwork, get fingerprinted, among other requirements. You are not behind! The excitement of becoming a parent is self-consuming. Like being in love, you dream about your child every minute. The steps cannot happen fast enough. You want to fast forward to the final scene selection when the child is safely in your arms and you are transformed forever into “Mom or Dad.”

Ask yourself right now, “Why do you want to parent?” You will be asked this a lot! You will also be asked: “How will you parent? How will you discipline? How was your home life? How are your family relationships? Who is your support system? Who will stay home with the child, if required? Will you choose a domestic or international adoption plan?”

The paperwork and sharing sessions delve deep into your personal psyche about why you want to be a parent. Yes, you have to answer this question and live with it now, not only for the rest of your life, but your children’s lives as well. In the end, it is not because you are the right age, or because that annoying Aunt keeps asking when you are going to have kids, and excessively compliments you on how well you’ve raised the dog. Bottom line, it’s in your gut. Perhaps you have fully convinced yourself that you have the ability to do it better than anyone else has in the history of time, and the local parents of the year award is within your grasp.

You want to be parents because you selfishly want to take on or add the responsibility of raising this child. This is good; this is healthy. You can list exactly what you are going to do with this child, where you will vacation and what name you will give them. Did you first choose to become adoptive parents? Probably not, but maybe you did. Many of you are reading this book because you cannot have children or you want to add another member to your family. Like you, we discussed on several occasions what we should do. This is not an easy answer and one that has to come from your heart. In any case, you are here because you want desperately to become parents. We can only remotely describe what life was like without our children, but can write volumes on the days with our children.

If you enjoy telling your life story to people, you are in luck, and will enjoy completing the “this is your life” home study for the adoption agency. You may even learn something about your partner you never knew or discussed. If you are a quiet person by nature, the paperwork and discussion groups may be a struggle to share and grow as a person. Parents by choice through adoption truly commit emotionally and financially to beginning a family. While some parents may have addressed reasons for having kids, many do not, and let nature takes its course. You will address not only “why parent,” but also evaluate who will accept your choice to adopt. Are you willing to lose contact with close friends and/or family members who consider you unable to have “real kids?” New friendships/family will be gained because of the commonality of your experience and acceptance of your family, recognizing that your kids “are real.” This is your child. The child is your son/ daughter who became part of your family on a specific date, not labeled as “he’s/she’s adopted.”

Workshops hopefully offered by your agency usually address adoption, child development and parenting issues. How do you care for a six-month-old? How do you discipline a four-year-old that speaks a different language? When and how do you explain to the child they are adopted? Resources are offered to address attachment and discipline for the infant years, toddler stages, pre-school, and teens. We learned that once your child arrives, parenting must come from the heart. Every child can sense love or fear. No matter what language you speak, the feelings behind the spoken words speak volumes. Your patience is tested during the waiting process for your child and is rivaled only by the patience you find once he/she arrives.