Older Child Adoption

When we adopt older children, they arrive into our lives with past memories, experiences, habits, likes, dislikes, languages, and ways of surviving. Some of these present challenges as you teach them to live responsible, respectful lives. Some of these will be precious and important for them to hold on to. Below are a few strategies for integrating your child’s past into their present.

Lifebooks
Lifebooks are an adopted child’s version of a “baby” book. Foster parents and adoptive parents try to gather elements of the child’s life to give them a sense of history and place. It can include birthfamily information, photos, drawings, maps, and more.

As parents, we look at lifebooks as a celebration of a child’s past. Our children also need opportunities to grieve and feel sad about leaving their past; include comments and pages in lifebooks that allow your child to cover ALL her emotions.

Memories written down
Most of children arrive with little documented history. The memories they share with us are often the only connection they will have to their past. If they aren’t written down, they may be lost forever. Find a place in your own journal, or buy a special “memory” journal. Every time your child shares a memory from their past, write it down. In the future, you will both be glad you took the time.

Cultural/sense of place
Whether your child was born in Rangoon, Rhode Island, or Rybinsk, Russia, they need to know about their place of birth. Buy travel books, watch videos, keep scrapbooks, go to festivals, all with the goal of expanding their sense of connection to their past lives.

Past, Present, and Future
Take large sheets of paper. Have your child write her name in the middle. Use markers or crayons. Around their name, have them scatter the names of people important to them in their lives now. Have them intermingle names of people from their past. Explain how the empty spaces will be filled with people who will be important to them in the future. Talk about how all the important people will mingle together as part of your child’s life.

Prayers/blessings/candles
Remember important dates from their past: birthmother’s birthday, day they left their birthfamily. Light a candle and say a prayer to acknowledge, discuss, and grieve that person or event.

Allow grieving
As you help your child to blend her past and present, don’t forget the issues that grief that surround elements of her life. Allow her to grieve. Give opportunities to talk about the sadness and difficulty of not being with birthparents, leaving a birth home, having to adjust to a completely new life.