Older Child Adoption

We spend years considering if adoption is for us. We worry about our homestudy. We read articles and books about adopted children. We debate what color the child’s room should be.

And then they get home….

Most of us feel well-prepared. But, often within days of getting home, our children become uncontrollable, defiant, over-stimulated, and defiant. Some parents refer to this phase as the “adjustment period.” Some call it hell.

Hitting, kicking, throwing things, spitting, breaking things, and screaming are not unusual. Certainly, not every child goes through this, but many do.

The causes may include over-stimulation, inability to communicate well, general frustration, not knowing how to live in a family, and testing parental commitment.

The strategies described here are suggestions for transforming your hell into a livable, functioning, contented family.

Reduce stimulation
Your child may seem so curious. You may not realize at first that some of the horrible behavior might be stimulated by sensory overload.

You’ll be excited to introduce your child to friends and family, take them to synagogue or church, show them the local playground, visit neighbors, and teach them to roller-blade. Don’t do it all right away!

Routine
With as many things as possible, maintain schedules and routines.

Children develop a sense of comfort from routine. and regularity. Eat meals at the same time every day, develop a repetitive morning routine, start every meal with the same grace, have pizza every Friday night.

House rules
Create “house rules based on the worst infractions. Things like, “No hitting. No biting. No kicking. No spitting. No yelling.” According to the age of your child, you might write these out, draw pictures next to them, pantomime each one, and post the list on the refrigerator. The consequence, also clearly explained, might be instant timeout—no warning. It may take your child a long time to realize that you mean it, that you mean it every time, and that you will always enforce the timeout.

Teach self control
Teach your child alternatives to the physical fury. During calm times, review running up and down the stairs, pounding the bed, screaming into a pillow, deep breathing, taking a bath. Discuss the signals that your child’s body gives when they start to get angry and how to do one of these alternative actions instead of breaking a house rule. Play with stuffed animals and practice these approaches.

Teach emotions
Create a sheet with words and faces of all ranges of emotions—mad, sad, frustrated, annoyed, happy, worried, surprised—and act them all out. Make faces at each other and guess the emotion. Talk about your own emotions—”Today I got so frustrated when the car wouldn’t start, then I laughed at myself and called the tow truck.” “I was so worried…. I got so mad…” Let your child know that everyone has multiple emotions.

Have fun
Through all of your difficult times, try to be silly and have fun. Dance together to the Beatles. Roughhouse. Play hide and seek. Roller blade. Eat meals backwards—desert first.

Therapist
If you need help, get it. It will give your child another outlet for discussing her feelings. It will also give you positive re-enforcement and general parenting tips.

Get away
Emotionally, you may be empty. Slogging through this can be very, very grueling. For occasional evening get-aways, use drop-in child care (if you live in a large city) or Parent’s Night Out at the YMCA. Or leave your child with a babysitter and go down the road to the nearest hotel. That one-night break may sustain you for weeks.

Through it all, be sure to keep a journal. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, look back and realize that there has been progress. This may be one of the most challenging phases of your years of parenting. But you will survive, just as many other adoptive parents have. One day, you will realize that your child is agreeable, cooperative, plays well by herself, and is fun to be with!